03 6 / 2013
"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
21 5 / 2013
- 1: WE ALL SHOULD EAT FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD, SOUFFLÉS, AND JAMMY DODGERS JUST LIKE ON THE SHOW!
- 2: Pie and whiskey over here!
- 3: Just tea for me thanks.
- 4: we would like to have you all for dinner
24 4 / 2013
- 1: Don't tell me you understand because you get sad sometimes.
- 2: Don't tell me you're an insomniac because you missed a few nights of sleep.
- 3: Don't tell me you have an eating disorder because you missed a meal.
- 4: Don't tell me you're bipolar because you get mood swings on your period.
- 5: Don't tell me you have anxiety because you got nervous before an exam.
- 6: Don't tell me you have ADHD because you're hyper sometimes
- 7: Don't tell me you're a schizo because you sometimes see shadows and hear sounds at night.
- 8: Don't tell me you to have ocd because you like to wash your hands after you eat.
- 9: Don't tell me you understand because you once skinned your knee to get out of sport.
- 10: Don't tell me you too are suicidal because you would rather die then miss a concert.
- Just don't.
22 4 / 2013
Excuse me while I talk to some I will never see again…
I used to dream about happy things. I used to dream about being a different person. Someone who was happy and a joy to be around. I was a dancer, a singer, a smart and savvy business woman, even an owner of a successful sporting goods store at one time. I could be anyone I wanted when I dreamed. I used to dream about meeting people I admired and become best friends with them. I used to dream of falling in love. Sometime I dreamed about meeting you for the first time in different situations. I used to dream about a life where I was normal and we had a wonderful life together. I would make up stories in my head where we were a happy family and so in love with each other. We would have a lovely home, and friends who enjoyed visiting. And a daughter. She would be beautiful and adore you so much. She would be so excited whenever you came home and would follow you around asking questions and wanting to know how everything worked. She would look and act so much like you. And you and I would absolutely love her. We would also love each other. We would also be there for one another and could talk about anything. When everything else seemed to be wrong we still knew that no matter what we would have each other to hold on to.
I used to have dreams like that but not anymore. Now my dreams are focused on being alone. On not having anyone who wants me. But mostly on dying. The more dreams I have the more death seems like a good thing. Sometimes I dreams about talking to you about dying. I would tell you in detail about how I would do it. I would tell you all the different way I could go about it, and how you couldn’t change my mind. You’re so far away and have no connection to the few people who are still in my life. You couldn’t stop me if you wanted to. In my dreams you never seem to truly care enough to do anything about it. Either you don’t believe me or you just don’t care enough to even attempt stopping me.
Maybe people would miss me, but not because they really care. But because I would disrupt their daily routine for a little while. Soon they would alter their life just enough to get comfortable again, then I would be forgotten. And that’s okay with me. I’m used to being easily forgettable.
22 4 / 2013
I think I’m done fighting. I’m not strong enough anymore. Everything hurts so much more than I can take and every day is worse than the one before.
Over that last few months my head has went back and forth between believing I could one day be better and knowing the truth. That I’m a mess and no will ever stay long enough to help make anything better. Now I’m just filled with questions that have no answers.
Why should I keep fighting for people who are just going to leave me? Why shouldn’t I give up? I feel like I’ve been fighting to find reasons to live since the day I was born and now I’m exhausted.I don’t have anything left to give. How am I supposed to keep fighting when I no longer have a reason worth fighting for?
I used to be so positive about things. Sure, I would have my bad days (sometimes even weeks) but under it all I was positive. I was positive things would get better. That I would be better. At least I thought I was being positive. Now I see I was only indulging delusions of grandeur. Things were never going to get better. I was living in a daydream world of my own creation. Every now and again I would be forced to see my life as it actually was, and it terrified me. So I wrapped myself in that imaginary world and refused to see the truth. But it’s only served to hurt me. Recently I was thrown back into reality and I can’t find my dream world anymore. I’ve never felt more scared and alone than I do now. I don’t know what to do.
Every so often I think I see a glimpse of that dream world I was one happy in, but my mind shuts it out and forces me to see things as they actually are. I’m forced to see my life and I hate it. I know life is supposed to be hard sometimes, but I’ve been given more than I can handle. From the very start I was given too much. A child should not be spending every day of their life scared and wishing they could die. Thinking that death is a better alternative than the life they’ve been forced into it.
Years ago I met a person who I thought would save me. I though he would come in and be my white knight. That he would slay those proverbial dragons and fight back that unbeatable foe for me. I thought he would save me. I knew it was wrong but I let myself believe that because I need one good thing to believe it. I needed to believe that I wasn’t alone and there was someone who was always willing to stand beside me. Somewhere along the way I gave him my heart. I never felt like it was worth anything, but he accepted it anyway. Now, nearly five years later, he still has it and I don’t think he wants it and I can’t take it back.
Not that I blame him. He tried, he really did. He fought harder for me than I ever believed anyone could. But without trying to, I ruined the one good thing I was given in life. I had one good thing and I selfishly clung to it think that surely it wouldn’t be taken away. Surely that after everything I’ve been put through this one precious bit of happiness wouldn’t be taken away. But it was. I was selfish and greedy. Even though I finally had something good, I still kept my dream world just in case. I kept myself wrapped up in it like a shield. It ended up blinding me from the truth. That the white knight I met was actually just a man. He was extraordinary, but just a man all the same. I tore him a part. Little by little I ruined him by being so selfish and scared. He tried to love me and I wouldn’t let him see me. I couldn’t let him see that shy, pathetic, scared little girl that never quite grew up. And so I lost him. There are so many things I want to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for, but I will never get the chance. He’s done, he’s given up and moved on. But it’s for the best. He never deserved to be stuck with me. He deserves someone whole. Someone who is wonderful and know how to properly be a companion and friend.
I lose everything. My family is not a close one. Growing up my family was dominated by a father who thrived on others pain and a mother who was to weak to even try saving her own children. My father loved abusing of any sort. He still does. I don’t live with them now but he still knows how to hurt me. He knows how which wounds to stab and just what to say to create new ones. And my mother just quietly stand beside him and lets him do it. She’s always put him first and she always will. In some ways I’d like to think I’ve made peace with that, but I know I haven’t.
My life is a mess and I don’t know how to fix it. My one good thing is gone. What few friends I had it life have long since moved on. People only keep me in their life as long as they need to. Or they keep me because they feel sorry for me and don’t want to endure the guilt of leaving me alone. I try as hard as I can in school but it’s never enough. That’s been a running theme in my life. I try my hardest and do my very best, but it’s never enough. I’m never enough.
Now, after nearly 24 years, I can’t find a reason or the strength to keep going. I can’t see even a tiny speck of hope for the future. For the last month my dreams and thoughts have been about death. In the beginning they scared me, but lately they’ve been looking really nice. The thought that I could finally have a solution to my pain feels good. The thought that I could finally stop feeling anything is good. I just need to get past that fear of the unknown and I can finally give up for good. Why shouldn’t I give up? It’s my life and I don’t want it anymore.
22 4 / 2013
I wrote this months ago but never published it. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I didn’t think anyone would care to read it. Possible because I fell back into my shell of delusional optimism. Now I can’t think of a reason to keep it to myself. I’m not any better, in fact, I’m much much worse. But hey, I don’t know any one who may read this and I only have 9 followers so none of it matters. No one will read past this first paragraph.
I figured since this is my Tumblr I’m allowed to use it for whatever purposes I see fit. Tonight I’ll be using it as a journal of sorts. Most people write their thoughts and feelings down and want to keep them private. I figure writing them all out and letting others (even strangers) know what’s going on in my head could be a way of getting better.
Why do I overthink so much? I know it only makes me feel worse about myself but I can’t seem to stop. I over think about you, about myself, and our relationship. I feel like I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I try so hard and yet I still feel like I’m messing everything up. I think…I don’t know what I’m thinking. I want to make you happy. I want to make me happy. I have days were I feel like I’m making progress and everything is going great, then you tell me you think our relationship isn’t going well. I try to be enough. But it’s hard when inside I feel like no matter how hard I work or how much good I do in the world I’m never good enough. I’m never complete enough to be a whole person.
You make me feel that way, you know? You make me feel complete. As kitschy and cliche as it may sound, you make me feel like I’m a whole person. I know you try so hard to be a great friend and companion for me. And you are, you honestly are the greatest person I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Being with you is the best thing that’s happened in my life.
You make me better. You really do. With you I feel like I can do anything because you believe in me. You give me the strength to challenge myself and do what I need to do. You’ve inspired me to be a better, healthier person. You manage to break through all the bad thoughts I have in my head and show me how great I can be. I don’t know how I could ever thank you for that.
But as great as you make me feel, you also manage to confuse and intimidate me. I don’t mean I feel threatened by you physically. You are very much a force to be reckoned with when angry, but I trust you. I know you would never hurt me. I feel safest when I’m with you. But you make me feel lost. With most everything else I feel like I have the answers. If someone has a problem I can fit it, but with you that’s gone. I lose the ability to think and see things clearly. Even now I feel confused just typing out these words. I have so many thoughts in my head and no matter how hard I try I can’t make sense of them. I have so much I want to say and yet I can’t get the words out. My mind gets clouded and everything is mixed up, but then you and one simple question and I feel my mind empty out. I’m left with nothing I can say. I’m left feeling most lost in my own head.
You are so important to me. I don’t know how else to express that, you are without a doubt the most important person to me. And I don’t show you that near enough. I don’t know how to show you that. I feel like everyone else has this talent to sense the right way to act or the correct way to speak when in a relationship, but I was left out. I wasn’t given the innate ability to know what to do in relationships. How do I make you happy? how do I know I’m enough? I am committed to you and our relationship, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to show you my appreciation and admiration for you. I know it’s been said that relationships are hard work and take time and patience, but I never thought it was supposed to be this hard. I feel like I’m always working and racing towards a goal that’s constantly just out of reach. I can touch it with my fingertips for a moment, but then it’s gone off into the distance.
In my head I see myself as a failure. Plain and simple. A failure. Who wants to be with someone who’s head is as messed up as mine? Why would anyone subject themselves to putting up with me? I’m nothing special. I’m not even talented. Yeah, I enjoy learning, but that doesn’t mean I retain any of the knowledge. What’s the point in being with someone who doesn’t even feel like a whole person. Someone who on their own feels empty inside. My entire life has felt like one struggle after another. Whether it’s my own inner critic telling me that I’m nothing or someone I have no control over. I’ve come to believe that no matter how much I try I will never be complete enough to make others feel genuinely happy to be around me. I try, oh god how I try. I do my best to be sweet and nice and caring. I do everything I can to see the positive and good in people. I’m quiet and unassuming and try my best to make everyone happy.
21 4 / 2013
when straight guys ask how lesbian sex works i feel really bad for their girlfriends because if you dont understand how to have sex with a girl in any way other than repeatedly putting your dick in her you are having some really bad sex
Thank you for someone finally saying this god damn
Well that sure is remarkably well put.
21 4 / 2013
20 4 / 2013
Instead of saying motherfucker you can just say Oedipus
Half of our generation wouldn’t even understand that
//As a classics lover, may I give everyone who put notes on this a cookie? Come here, all of you. I love you all.